Tags : :
However, the label was off. I knew it wasn't describing me, and I felt more misunderstood than ever. I had to be taken somewhere to be understood, and they still didn't understand me. I typically felt pretty different, and at home it bothered me, but at school it was different. Most people accepted me, and when someone mistreated me, others usually stook up for me. It was less frequent, and more mild, by a long shot. I however began to question myself. I felt like the label was trying to define me. It said I was supposed to be really smart, and I was far from the top, I'd be great at learning a new concept, but detail, and visual stuff(see Irlen Syndrome. Forget it. Before that I felt fine, even though I typically ended up behind. I'd start out getting it, and I didn't think less of all the others, who didn't get it, they didn't seem to think less of me. Only seeing that I felt kind of dumb. People are saying I'm bad at being neorotypical, which was apparently code for normal. Now I was also bad at having Aspergers. On top of that, it wanted to steal away what I was good at. I was no longer aloud to be creative, even though that was apperntly one of my best qualities, at least people told me it was. It also, said peole with Aspergers were more literal, but I was more abstract. I actually am more attuned to social cues, instead of less. I was a misfit of misfits, and had quite trouble reconciling these mismatches. At one point I said something like "Mom, why do I have to follow all of these new rules, since I got Aspergers, and when can I stop having it". I was able to do them, so perhaps can't meant I wasn't aloud. Which wasn't true, so I was a misfit of misfits, and very misunderstood. My, mom constantly building me up, and tearing me down, these ladles with arbitrary testes, and labels not fitting, I began to take all with a grain of salt. I was still the same, no matter what after all. The tipping point was really a second opinion, nine years later at seventeen. I was told I did not have Aspergers. I was told in a few minutes. Years, of this, and that was it. I was told, they're professionals, and understand it best. Okay, I was doubtful, but perhaps a valid argument, but both were professionals, and one clearly expressed the other was wrong. After, by the way, reconfirmation every three years. Now diagnosed completely different.
To to finally get where I was headed. Trust me when I say, I'm fairly confident it's different. What am I? ENFJ, Harmoney Perspectives, or teacher. They are variations in Carl Jungs 16 psychological types. This describes thought processes, and is not about behavior, or being less than. However some may consider a reverse DSM. It's telling people only positives, and is like a horoscope. Just telling them what they want to hear. Although, it often focuses on the positive, because it's about accepting differences. Although designed to be all equal, and dies also list weaknesses. And as far as labeling, we often define people without knowing. It's just a way to understand where people are coming from, to hopefully Gaurdianship against as much personal bias as possible. I'll just explain a little.
I'm an extrovert, and sometimes, I don't want to be. Who am I kidding? Most of the time, I don't want to be. I don't like that I get energy from others. I was mistreated so much, and even though especially, when I'm around people who actually genuinely seem to want to be around me, I'm not. At the very least not nearly as dangerous as my family. Really, the only violence I experienced was in my home. As I entered in to the mental health system I'd be threatened with it. Leaving me more mistrusting than ever. I still don't trust anyone. Years of physical abuse, including my mom suffocating me. They, hadn't protected me from that. If I hadn't been able to squirm away, and dodge attempts to smother me again I could be dead. I don't know if she would've stopped. Yet, force me to take drugs for the sake of it. I don't buy protection. I was attempting to end the abusive ways, and just find some peace, because that system had never protected me.
" target="_blank" rel="nofollow nofollow">In in fact I lead with Harmony, or Extraverted feeling. So, I knew was really attuned to the emotional atmosphere. In fact my parents kind of did in a way I guess, by questioning the diagnosis for the social reason. I'm also naturally expressive which, would be easier not to be, as both my parents and the mental health field aren't typically fond of. However, if things are going well it works out great. Even with some individuals within it, and never enough, so I'm typically constantly repressed. Also, for what may've been coprolalia, being attuned to everything I should say, is not helpful. Especially when I'm not, even aloud to express things in a way, that could typically be accepted. People, may not know, but I was naturally quite good at dealing with conflict, or just being able to still express a different point of view without causing it. This also throws in clearing up misunderstandings. However, I wasn't aloud to do that. At home I couldn't express diffrent perspective, or explain myself. Most psychiatrist, offended even when I ask for clarification, which I'm used to, however, not someone I want in charge of my wellbeing. My parents pay, so they literally, have no incentive to respect me. Their last jab, to give me a guardian. However, something else my perspectives, or introverted intuition was also shut down. They weren't interested in me having my own understanding, and wanting to really dive into what everything meant. They wanted me to take their word. They wanted me to go along, not figure out my own way, or teach others, or be a leader in anyway. I'm sure, if people had asked my parents, or the doctors, they wouldn't agree, but they're not interested in my best qualities coming out. They want what's easier for them. To the point they're willing to endanger me. I'm forced to bring out, the qualities that aren't my best. Where I'm just trying to get by, and avoid as much harm as possible. Get along, to get along.
That may be labeled as playing a victim story, but I'm through with others false perceptions. Am, I exempt from blind spots? Of course not, however nobody knows me better than I know myself, and I've thought honesty enough about myself to pick up on total bullshit. I'm also not just rewriting my past, to explain what my present would look like. I'm going off of events, and although they don't seem significant in the long run the are telling. People will say stuff, like I lack follow through, but they don't take any other factors into account. Victim story? Then why did I ever bother trying those in the first place? I will say this though, I've worked barely. However, I don't have much school, or technical training to speak of. I had to rely mostly on communicating, and social skills(for lack of a better word). Also, although, I'm not a huge rule follower(not a huge rule breaker) I trie to respect everyone, but at the same time I pretty much respect the boss, empower relationship. I got lucky in having nice ones as well. However, I'm not really this crazy rebellious person. I know to respect police, and they, typically respect me. I know not everyone has luck with that. However, if I was ever in real trouble with the law, probably wouldn't go as smooth. However, I'm able to get by, when someone just isn't constantly imposing there will, and threatening me. I've been pretty down lately, from everything that's happened, but I don't need an excuse. I need to explain everything, to shed light on things, and hopefully this will at least help to change things for the better. Hopefully even s little. If not what else can I do? In the situations I'm in where I'm not simply getting by, for terror of my safety, I actually do well. Not, enough to have changed antpything in the end. However, I've been on my way to doing well at work, boss was nice, and coworkers were nice. I could share my ideas, and speak up. I've had friends where I could express myself, or even just people in general. I even spoke in front of the whole retreat at Prakash Ellenhorn. I'm not going to get into that, however people said I did good, I'm not unaware of factors, but there is more then meets the eye. However, I did also end up in a group with Matt Bernstein himself, by chance. I pretty much unofficially lead it(leading not a strength of his). Talking at people with little awearness of how others are introetting( in his case a lot seemed not to, and zoning out)
Last Edited By: kaylac Mar 1 16 4:52 AM. Edited 5 times