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Feb 22 16 8:30 PM

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I've thought about this before as I've used alcohol specifically to avoid forced, or coercive treatment before. It did work, but I never really had to question this, as I don't want the other treatments. Before that I honestly wasn't thinking about it. I was drinking, but I didn't have anything better to do. I was at this treatment center, where they prided themselves on people being able to come, and go, during the day. It was the the only thing worth priding themselves on in my opinion, back then(not much has changed). I was miserable there. 

I had been having more trouble with sleeping then usual, and when I managed it was constantly woken up by staff every thirty minuites. I had asked them to please stop, waking me up, because I don't sleep well anyways, and I was feeling sleep deprived. Apperntly this was part of my plan. I didn't expect this place to be by any means exactly what it was described as, but I was told I would make my own plan, and this was more like a home than program. Part of what I was told was they would respect my sleep schedule, apparently to my mom knocking on my door, and not telling me I need to get would qualify. I was also told I could make my own schedule. For them to wake me up incessantly, and to have a therapist knock on my door, and just say this is when we meet, turn on my light, and list of goals my parents had. It was worse than I imagined. He wouldn't even consider respecting what I wanted at all.

I was also finding my clonidine no longer helped with my tics. I had also been let down by it. I was hoping if my tics, and urges to tic went down, than my memories, and flashbacks surrounding it would start to fade. Perhaps, just wishful thinking. Although they didn't, and my tics rebounded worse. I was also more self conscious about them before, and didn't know people like at the last treatment center. The tics started getting bad again there, and people would tell me it wasn't a big deal, where people here just looked confused. They weren't trying to be mean, but still uncomfortable. When I tried to be alone in my room I couldn't, and lack of sleep, and added stress just made it worse.

I was also questioning the motives of this place. I was had studied a lot of the dark side of the mental health feild, and studied a bit on cults, and this place was dangerous. I saw very bad signs here. I didn't feel like there was a reason not to drink, so I did. I often times would drink, and come back and take my night meds, so I just wouldn't have to deal with that place.

That was another odd thing, as I typically found no medication helpful. I surprisingly enough ended up learning in a hospital, that IV Ativan had helped with the stress, but I was questioning if it was even Ativan I got, as I'd tried Xanex for anxiety in the past, and it wasn't  helpful, and valum for sleep, which only made me slightly calmer. I ended up getting Ativan in a pill, nearly did anything, even though it was supposedly the same dose. I had even more trouble sleeping though, and that at least helped a little, until I was prescribed Klonopin, and added it to the morning aswell, which had already become ineffective. 

Of of course the doctor only saw me for two seconds before, wanting to out me on either an antidepressant, or mood stabilizer. You'd think he'd at least pretend to try and get to know me a little better, before doing this. You'd also think he wouldn't just openly decide at random between two types of medication, based off some notes.

I had become increasingly stressed out, and trusted this place less, and less, and the flashbacks were unbearable of the abuse, like being thrown down the stars, or suffocated. My mom used to suffocate me, and my dad would shove me down the stairs. This would happen amounng other things, and I just wanted to forget about it, and when I would drink, these things wouldn't be so bad, and wouldn't have to deal with the treatment center, or the horrible things that were potentially happening behind the scenes. This was the only time I wan't completely stressed out, or pissed off. As they only listened and backed off if I was complet at my wits end with them. 

That was until I had comeback one day after drinking about half the day. I was just going to go up, to my room, and rest. Only the doctor was instantly trying to get me to talk to him. I said I had nothing to say to him. He said I could just listen, but I was also not interested in what had to say, so he seemed to finally get the point, and just said "good, at lest your calm". No shit I was drunk, but I wasn't sure if he knew, or anyone did here. I wasn't sure if it was an indirect way of saying it, because it was just a weird statement in general. He'd emailed me though, curious I checked it. This is it. 

Hi Kayla: I am hearing reports that you have been extremely irritable lately at the Residence.  I am wondering if this is part of mania.   I need to see you to discuss this and to see if we need to make a medication intervention to address possible manic symptoms.  I am free on Friday afternoon at 3:30.  Will you come to see me then? I would like to be able to work with you to address this issue.  If you and I cannot address it together, then we will have to have you assessed and possibly treated for mania in a different way, possibly at a hospital.  I would like to work with you to avoid that happening. Please let me know your thoughts. Best, Dr. Bernstein

I just just wanted to not have to take something again like at the hospital without having a say, that I knew I liked well enough, and wouldn't have someone dismissing me if I said I didn't like the effects,  or that I didn't need it.  I knew how easily this could be done. A doctor said, before that he thought I had a mood disorder, but would claim I was psychotic, in order to force me on a medication. Some choice. I didn't want someone saying I wasn't giving it a chance, and my negative attitude was getting in the way, of it working.  I didn't want to  find out what other treatment could mean( I've heard of really awful stuff happening) I didn't want to question what something might really be, so weary of. I mostly just didn't want something that would make me feel awful. I also didn't want to be talked down to, by someone who acts like they know me better than myself. I just didn't want another thing making me feel worse, on top of how bad I already felt, and alcohol made me feel relatively good. The people at the treatment center, said I was doing better which was better than worrying about more treatment that only made things worse. 

Last Edited By: kaylac Feb 22 16 8:47 PM. Edited 1 time

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Feb 24 16 9:13 PM

A common warning people give to drinking is that it will make you more socially inhibited. You're less likely to hold back from saying things you know you probably shouldn't say. You may start to care, or be aware of what would be considered unacceptable. What if you already felt to socially inhibited, and it worked against you? What if you constantly had the urge to blurt out everything unacceptable. What if you were so terrified of offending people, it's all you could think about till you blurted it out? Offending people, and only making you more terrified of it happening again. What if when you tried to explain this you were only ridiculed? You were threatened, humiliated, insulted, and even physically attacked for this.

Suddenly, caring, or becoming less aware may not seem like such a bad thing? If you constantly felt you were threatened physically, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and morally under attack. Pretty much just like it's coming from all angles. What if you told it would be justified to attack you. If you were insulted for being, less intelligent, spiritually less than, and not taking others into account. If this only continued, cycle of fear, and consequence. Creating a constant fear, and consequence. Remembering all of those times, whenever you think or say something offensive. Having it brought up at random times, when you're only just trying your best to get by. No matter how many seemingly good integrations, without problem, your still overwhelmed with memories, of unacceptance and violence.

This was my life, constantly thinking of the worst thing to say. To try, and get around it. To say things when they are acceptable, or in an acceptable way. To only have my mind miniver around, constantly creating things, in which being taken as offensive, was unavoidable. The mental health field was no help. Adding fear, and excuse for abuse. If someone says are you a danger to yourself or others. First instinct, is to say yes, to both, followed by the answer that would confirm the highest degree of both. The mental health field captures our worst qualities, of focussing on the surface. Nobody would listen to me say if I didn't mean something. I would never want to harm anyone else. I would never want to bring anymore harm to myself. Yet they think they found proof for the second. A group of people who failed to keep me out of harms way for years, and when I tried to escape it the only way I knew how, they put me in more harms way in the name of protection.

Another reason I had for drinking. These people jump at any chance to say I'm dangerous. I'm under constant scrutiny. I don't have benefit of the doubt, or right to explain in these situations. If these things I say go without consiquesnconequence, it doesn't mean the system is succeeding at it's goal, but actually failing it. Sometimes people are concerned with the acual reasons, but often I just get by, because people don't wasn't to be bothered. Often my best protection in this system are people who punch, in and out, and don't "write notes, to understand how to better help me" (collect evidence to charge me with.)

Last Edited By: kaylac Feb 24 16 9:17 PM. Edited 1 time.

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